Are we there yet?

I was recently traveling with my family on a long road trip.  The inevitable question surfaced just 30 minutes into the drive from my 4-year old.  "Are we there yet?"  I have responded to this question countless times.  However on this trip, it caused me to pause.  This question, in essence, sums up something I have asked myself numerous times since my concussion 5 months ago. Especially as I have watched various 'potential' recovery points pass me by...2 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months,etc.  I wonder if when I reach 6, 9, or 12 months, will I be there yet?

I suddenly felt myself seeing this journey through they eyes of a child that is on a long road trip.  They don't have a map, they don't know the schedule, or the route, or when they're getting close.  They pass the time with the limited activities.  After a period of time passes, the repeated question is asked "Are we there yet"? 

I returned to work for half days about 2 months ago.  It has been a bitter sweet experience.  Upon my return, I was so excited to be back to work (and still am).  It was a key milestone and a sign of victory.  It was a sign of returning to normal. I felt as though I was getting part of my identity back.  Something I didn't realize was that big of a part of me, until faced with the uncertainty of if/when I would be able return. At first, it was really tough and I began to doubt if I was truly ready to be back.  My headaches were worse and I was very fatigued, even with just half days.  But, I couldn't stand the thought of having to throw in the towel. It hasn't been easy, but it has gotten easier and I'm so glad that I have stuck with it.  The reward of feeling victory and having a sense of accomplishment outweighs the challenges.  I continue to see very gradual signs of improvement.  If there is a team lunch scheduled, I now feel like I can join and at least tolerate the noise level of most restaurants.  I no longer have to wear earplugs when I walk by a construction area.  I have been able to increase my stamina to work 6 hr days.  It isn't easy dealing with daily headaches, but it is manageable and I throttle my rest/activity level accordingly.  I am still at a limited activity level in a variety of ways - working reduced hours, light exercise only, limiting total screen time/technology time, limiting driving distance/duration, avoiding TV, movies, & noisy environments.  I also manage by trying to allow for rest time during the day and for an ample sleep schedule at night, more than I ever required before. I am thankful for the small signs of improvement and the things I can do.  Though, the limitations continue to remind me that "I'm not there yet".

As I cross the 5 month mark, I have also come to terms that I am going to have a longer recovery.  I recently learned the hard way that I wasn't ready for running yet, and I will be writing off the 2nd marathon that I had signed up for pre-concussion.  My attempt at introducing some running gave me some pretty scary symptoms and about a 2 week setback.  With that, I am okay with accepting that I need to shelve some of my pre-concussion levels of activity for awhile longer.  It goes against my grain to not set goals for resuming them, but this recovery timeline is just out of my control.  I'm not giving up on them, but putting them up on the shelf for now.

Looking back at my family's recent road trip, I believe I needed this reminder to see the world through the eyes of a child.  I am reminded  that God has the wheel.  He has the map.  He knows the destination.  It's hard not to continue to ask the question, "Am I there yet?".  However, that doesn't get me there any faster and it tends to to lead to disappointment.  Instead, I am reminded that there is a purpose of this journey, watch for opportunities, and make the most of them.

No comments:

Post a Comment